Q & A
This page has all sorts of questions I have been asked. These are my views on the questions asked and only relate to my experiences, my thoughts, and my life. Please feel free to ask me a question about my life. I am usually very open about it.
What exactly is BDSM?
For me BDSM stands for B = Bondage D = Discipline S = Sadism M = Masochism
[back to top]
Does that part refer to just the sex?
I do not believe the lifestyle is just about the sex but I think the BDSM part of it can involve sex. To me BDSM is just the kinky fun stuff! Being Spanked, flogged, tied up, nipple clamps, gags, blindfolds, and all that kind of kinky stuff. But it does not always mean sex is involved.
[back to top]
Are there leather parties and kinky sex parties? What are they like?
Yes, there are those. I used live in Ohio where I was very active in the BDSM community. There were quite a few parties -- private, house parties, dungeon type play settings which were mostly sponsored by BDSM community meetings. The ones held in public play spaces did not allow sex as could imply that they were breaking the law by selling sex for money....since usually it costs to get into the parties that are at dungeons. A private parties such as house parites could and did often include sex. Where I live now, there is no organized BDSM community - so we don't get to go to those type of parties or play space. I do miss having a dungeon setting with all the different equipment to play on. Also being an exhibitionist, I miss out on having people watch. That was a turn on for me but also scary.
[back to top]
I read of 24-hour slaves, so what about them?
You will often see me use M/s and SM. And the M/s for me is the relationship base – the serving, obeying...the dynamic that is there all the time. SM is the kinky fun stuff. And most of the time sex is involved, but in my past I have had partners were it was just the SM and no sex with it.But the M/s for me is something that goes on 24/7. Also there are many ways to do this lifestyle and many different forms...D/s, BDSM, SM, M/s, Top/Bottom, Sir, Masters, Mistress, Daddy, girl, boi, boy, leather, and so on. The combinations of how to do this lifestyle are endless.
[back to top]
What do you tell your doctor?
I always try to be honest and forthright to my doctor. I tell them I engage in consensual SM. I tell them if they have any questions or concerns to please let me know. A doctor provides a service so if I don't feel comfortable with their reaction, comments or questions then I thank them for their time and go to another doctor. I don't want to put my health and well being in the hands of someone who might lead me the wrong way just because of their personal objections, morals or religious beliefs. I try not to go in with extreme bruising, marks or cuttings because I don't want to shove it in their faces to the point of uncomfortableness. But I have gone in with bruises at times and most of the time now my doctors will ask if it is play. And if I say yes they drop it and move on.
Two doctor stories....I had a pap smear appointment and it was one of those where I had canceled it a few times...not because of bruises just for daily life things getting in the way. I then realized I just couldn't put it off any longer. The problem I had a bruise. One that would be noticed during a pelvic examine as it came from a strap on. The dildo was held to the strap-on with a metal ring and during sex the ring kept hitting the bone right at the top of my mound. It left a fairly large bruise plus a knot under the skin. So I bit the bullet and decided to go through with it anyway. I got in the stir ups and right away he saw it. He said to me...."Do I want to know how you got this bruise?" I said, "probably not." He smile, nodded and then went on to just give me my pap.
The next scenario is one that another reason I am out to my doctor. I had been playing pretty heavily sexually. My partner tried to fist me but I ripped. I tried to treat it but a day or so later something happened that caused it to rip further. It wasn't healing properly so I had to go doctor and tell him exactly what happened so that he could properly treat it. I explained it and really I am thankful I was out to him because although that injury doesn't sound all that bad - it was in hard place to "heal" so he was able to help me in a way I wouldn't have known without going to a doctor. He didn't give me a lecture. He didn't act mortified. He was kind and professional. And that is how it should be when you have come out to your doctor. Because I came out to him ahead of time also I think eased the situation so that he was fully confident it was 100% consensual.
[back to top]
So trying to figure out the balance, the difference, the continuum...is it possible to have a M/s relationship without the BDSM/sex parts?
Yes, it is possible. I also know people who are in M/s relationships, but do BDSM and sex with different people. I know a couple of relationships that are dominant gay males whose slaves are submissive lesbian female. Their relationships are M/s based. I have also been in service to others where I was not collared or owned and also did not involve SM but just service.I have served in domestic and administrative capacity again without having sex or BDSM involved. And now for the most part - Master and I have a M/s based relationship with the SM being secondary.
[back to top]
Also is seems that most of the M/s people I've talked to are also in some sort of poly/open situation. Does the D/s scene always involve multiple partners?
No not always, but it does seem to involved open or poly type relationships quite a bit. I am not sure I understand why it happens to be that way but I am sure some would say that is because people involved in the BDSM community are more "open" but I find that a broad sweeping statement. Because I know many people who are not into BDSM but are open and poly also. I don't care to be in a poly relationship at this point in my life but I have served in a poly household and been in poly type relationships over the years.
[back to top]
I am curious if those in alternative lifestyles practice this when outside of their homes? For example, if you went to your family reunion would you act like your Master's slave?
I am always Master's slave no matter where we are at -- but most likely you would never notice it. I think people notice something, but nothing they can peg down. But most of the protocols and nuances of our relationship you would not notice happen. Such as I always wait for permission to eat - even with family or friends, but no one notices as we are so subtle.
[back to top]
Does the relationship goes beyond a sexual one? (Meaning, if you are a slave, are you a slave in all areas or just when it comes to sex?)
I am always a slave...even beyond the bedroom. I serve and obey him always.
[back to top]
What happens if you decides you don't want to be a slave anymore? Can you just "quit"?
I can't ever imagine not wanting to be a slave....it is just a part of me so I need this. I can't quit having blue eyes....it is a part of me. And so is being a slave. I am who I am and that does not just turn off. Do I have bad days and think gosh I just wish he would go get his own coffee? Yes, I do have days like that but I am duty and honor bound...and I can't go back on what I said I would do. That would hurt me more in the long run...so I just get through bad day as best as I can. (side note: Master gets his own drinks, snacks, and coffee a lot.) Just like with any other relationship -- it is good to get to know a person before becoming committed to them....so that you know their ethics and morals. So you know if this is someone that you will mesh well with long term. And that is what I did with Master.
[back to top]
What do I do all day?
This question always surprises me because I feel like people are saying, "well you are just a housewife - don't you run out of things to do?" And I don't - there are ALWAYS things to do. I am not bored. Or they think I am a captive slave - locked in a cage and isn't that boring after a while. The title of our presentation was "Living the Lifestyle within Reality" - We are not about 24/7 bondage, S&M, sex. I am sure to most people - vanilla or not - I look like a housewife. Most of our protocols are invisible to the vanilla world. And actually for the most part invisible to the BDSM community because they expect them to be more overt and they aren't. We try to live our life as we would always - in the vanilla world or not.
[back to top]
Do you live out far from civilization?
Now I might make it seem like that, but we live in a city and in a neighborhood. We have elderly neighbors on either side of us. We don't do 24/7 bondage, S&M and sex again. They might hear moaning or such from our house, but most likely not as they are elderly - hard of hearing and in bed when we play. We just live life…we have neighbors and I am not paraded in front of them in bondage or anything like that. We don't do daily S&M or bondage. Our life again is very vanilla looking from the outside…but we have the foundation of a power exchange. Master controls and has the power, I serve and obey, and that is ALL that is needed for a power exchange….no need for rope or cuffs or anything else.
[back to top]
Do you feel there is a spiritual component to your service?
Yes there is…My slavery and service in that slavery is very spiritual because it is like a calling deep in my core. Everything that is a struggle - things that I go back and forth on can come together with strength from that service (when I let myself go in that service which is at times is hard). There is contentment and completeness finally able to be who I am suppose to be and that allows me to find my place in the universe. There is an acute awareness through my slavery that leads to a greater understanding of my spiritual side.
[back to top]
Have you ever attempted to explain/justify your lifestyle to others? who worry it's degrading to you/women as a whole; if so, how did you do so?
Yes to those in the lifestyle. I really have not encountered that a lot in the "vanilla" world. But I am not out to as many vanilla people as I am to those in the lifestyle. If the person comes across hostile then I have found it is better to walk away because they won't really hear what I am saying anyway. I am not every woman. I only need to live my life…and in this lifestyle I have learned more about myself and felt more comfortable in my skin then I ever have before. I have given examples in my life where in the past I was not as complete, together, calm as I am now with D/s in my life. Most of the time people don't understand it.
[back to top]
- What exactly is BDSM?
- Does BDSM refer to just the sex?
- Are there leather parties and kinky sex parties? What are they like?
- I read of 24-hour slaves, so what about them?
- What do you tell your doctor?
- So I am trying to figure out the balance, the difference, the continuum...is it possible to have a M/s relationship without the BDSM sex parts?
- Also is seems that most of the M/s people I've talked to are also in some sort of poly/open situation. Does the D/s scene always involve multiple partners?
- What do I do all day?
- Do you live out far from civilization?
- Do you feel there is a spiritual component to your service?
- Have you ever attempted to explain/justify your lifestyle to others...?
- Do you practice this when outside of your homes? For example, if you went to your family reunion would you act like your Master's slave?
- Does the relationship goes beyond a sexual one? (Meaning, if you are a slave, are you a slave in all areas or just when it comes to sex?
- What happens if you decide you don't want to be a slave anymore? Can you just "quit"?
What exactly is BDSM?
For me BDSM stands for B = Bondage D = Discipline S = Sadism M = Masochism
[back to top]
Does that part refer to just the sex?
I do not believe the lifestyle is just about the sex but I think the BDSM part of it can involve sex. To me BDSM is just the kinky fun stuff! Being Spanked, flogged, tied up, nipple clamps, gags, blindfolds, and all that kind of kinky stuff. But it does not always mean sex is involved.
[back to top]
Are there leather parties and kinky sex parties? What are they like?
Yes, there are those. I used live in Ohio where I was very active in the BDSM community. There were quite a few parties -- private, house parties, dungeon type play settings which were mostly sponsored by BDSM community meetings. The ones held in public play spaces did not allow sex as could imply that they were breaking the law by selling sex for money....since usually it costs to get into the parties that are at dungeons. A private parties such as house parites could and did often include sex. Where I live now, there is no organized BDSM community - so we don't get to go to those type of parties or play space. I do miss having a dungeon setting with all the different equipment to play on. Also being an exhibitionist, I miss out on having people watch. That was a turn on for me but also scary.
[back to top]
I read of 24-hour slaves, so what about them?
You will often see me use M/s and SM. And the M/s for me is the relationship base – the serving, obeying...the dynamic that is there all the time. SM is the kinky fun stuff. And most of the time sex is involved, but in my past I have had partners were it was just the SM and no sex with it.But the M/s for me is something that goes on 24/7. Also there are many ways to do this lifestyle and many different forms...D/s, BDSM, SM, M/s, Top/Bottom, Sir, Masters, Mistress, Daddy, girl, boi, boy, leather, and so on. The combinations of how to do this lifestyle are endless.
[back to top]
What do you tell your doctor?
I always try to be honest and forthright to my doctor. I tell them I engage in consensual SM. I tell them if they have any questions or concerns to please let me know. A doctor provides a service so if I don't feel comfortable with their reaction, comments or questions then I thank them for their time and go to another doctor. I don't want to put my health and well being in the hands of someone who might lead me the wrong way just because of their personal objections, morals or religious beliefs. I try not to go in with extreme bruising, marks or cuttings because I don't want to shove it in their faces to the point of uncomfortableness. But I have gone in with bruises at times and most of the time now my doctors will ask if it is play. And if I say yes they drop it and move on.
Two doctor stories....I had a pap smear appointment and it was one of those where I had canceled it a few times...not because of bruises just for daily life things getting in the way. I then realized I just couldn't put it off any longer. The problem I had a bruise. One that would be noticed during a pelvic examine as it came from a strap on. The dildo was held to the strap-on with a metal ring and during sex the ring kept hitting the bone right at the top of my mound. It left a fairly large bruise plus a knot under the skin. So I bit the bullet and decided to go through with it anyway. I got in the stir ups and right away he saw it. He said to me...."Do I want to know how you got this bruise?" I said, "probably not." He smile, nodded and then went on to just give me my pap.
The next scenario is one that another reason I am out to my doctor. I had been playing pretty heavily sexually. My partner tried to fist me but I ripped. I tried to treat it but a day or so later something happened that caused it to rip further. It wasn't healing properly so I had to go doctor and tell him exactly what happened so that he could properly treat it. I explained it and really I am thankful I was out to him because although that injury doesn't sound all that bad - it was in hard place to "heal" so he was able to help me in a way I wouldn't have known without going to a doctor. He didn't give me a lecture. He didn't act mortified. He was kind and professional. And that is how it should be when you have come out to your doctor. Because I came out to him ahead of time also I think eased the situation so that he was fully confident it was 100% consensual.
[back to top]
So trying to figure out the balance, the difference, the continuum...is it possible to have a M/s relationship without the BDSM/sex parts?
Yes, it is possible. I also know people who are in M/s relationships, but do BDSM and sex with different people. I know a couple of relationships that are dominant gay males whose slaves are submissive lesbian female. Their relationships are M/s based. I have also been in service to others where I was not collared or owned and also did not involve SM but just service.I have served in domestic and administrative capacity again without having sex or BDSM involved. And now for the most part - Master and I have a M/s based relationship with the SM being secondary.
[back to top]
Also is seems that most of the M/s people I've talked to are also in some sort of poly/open situation. Does the D/s scene always involve multiple partners?
No not always, but it does seem to involved open or poly type relationships quite a bit. I am not sure I understand why it happens to be that way but I am sure some would say that is because people involved in the BDSM community are more "open" but I find that a broad sweeping statement. Because I know many people who are not into BDSM but are open and poly also. I don't care to be in a poly relationship at this point in my life but I have served in a poly household and been in poly type relationships over the years.
[back to top]
I am curious if those in alternative lifestyles practice this when outside of their homes? For example, if you went to your family reunion would you act like your Master's slave?
I am always Master's slave no matter where we are at -- but most likely you would never notice it. I think people notice something, but nothing they can peg down. But most of the protocols and nuances of our relationship you would not notice happen. Such as I always wait for permission to eat - even with family or friends, but no one notices as we are so subtle.
[back to top]
Does the relationship goes beyond a sexual one? (Meaning, if you are a slave, are you a slave in all areas or just when it comes to sex?)
I am always a slave...even beyond the bedroom. I serve and obey him always.
[back to top]
What happens if you decides you don't want to be a slave anymore? Can you just "quit"?
I can't ever imagine not wanting to be a slave....it is just a part of me so I need this. I can't quit having blue eyes....it is a part of me. And so is being a slave. I am who I am and that does not just turn off. Do I have bad days and think gosh I just wish he would go get his own coffee? Yes, I do have days like that but I am duty and honor bound...and I can't go back on what I said I would do. That would hurt me more in the long run...so I just get through bad day as best as I can. (side note: Master gets his own drinks, snacks, and coffee a lot.) Just like with any other relationship -- it is good to get to know a person before becoming committed to them....so that you know their ethics and morals. So you know if this is someone that you will mesh well with long term. And that is what I did with Master.
[back to top]
What do I do all day?
This question always surprises me because I feel like people are saying, "well you are just a housewife - don't you run out of things to do?" And I don't - there are ALWAYS things to do. I am not bored. Or they think I am a captive slave - locked in a cage and isn't that boring after a while. The title of our presentation was "Living the Lifestyle within Reality" - We are not about 24/7 bondage, S&M, sex. I am sure to most people - vanilla or not - I look like a housewife. Most of our protocols are invisible to the vanilla world. And actually for the most part invisible to the BDSM community because they expect them to be more overt and they aren't. We try to live our life as we would always - in the vanilla world or not.
[back to top]
Do you live out far from civilization?
Now I might make it seem like that, but we live in a city and in a neighborhood. We have elderly neighbors on either side of us. We don't do 24/7 bondage, S&M and sex again. They might hear moaning or such from our house, but most likely not as they are elderly - hard of hearing and in bed when we play. We just live life…we have neighbors and I am not paraded in front of them in bondage or anything like that. We don't do daily S&M or bondage. Our life again is very vanilla looking from the outside…but we have the foundation of a power exchange. Master controls and has the power, I serve and obey, and that is ALL that is needed for a power exchange….no need for rope or cuffs or anything else.
[back to top]
Do you feel there is a spiritual component to your service?
Yes there is…My slavery and service in that slavery is very spiritual because it is like a calling deep in my core. Everything that is a struggle - things that I go back and forth on can come together with strength from that service (when I let myself go in that service which is at times is hard). There is contentment and completeness finally able to be who I am suppose to be and that allows me to find my place in the universe. There is an acute awareness through my slavery that leads to a greater understanding of my spiritual side.
[back to top]
Have you ever attempted to explain/justify your lifestyle to others? who worry it's degrading to you/women as a whole; if so, how did you do so?
Yes to those in the lifestyle. I really have not encountered that a lot in the "vanilla" world. But I am not out to as many vanilla people as I am to those in the lifestyle. If the person comes across hostile then I have found it is better to walk away because they won't really hear what I am saying anyway. I am not every woman. I only need to live my life…and in this lifestyle I have learned more about myself and felt more comfortable in my skin then I ever have before. I have given examples in my life where in the past I was not as complete, together, calm as I am now with D/s in my life. Most of the time people don't understand it.
[back to top]
