Random Thoughts
This page has random thoughts - subjects that I write or rant about, questions I was asked and answer, tips and things that I have never written into a full essay but want to express and share.
Surrender - Time Outs/Speaking Freely - Trust in M/s relationships - Rules and Punishment - Domestic Violence and M/s look similar? - What if you are sick? - Divine Submission - Maintaining Our Dynamic in Public Settings
Surrender
I was reading a message board and there was a post where someone said that surrender is submission perfect and so that surrender can never be achieved because no one can be perfect.
I disagree...
Here is something I had written for another list when we were discussing submission and surrender....
I find that submission and surrender are very closely related in definition in vanilla terms -- refer to dictionary.com for the full-blown similarities. In the lifestyle, I have found that we tend to separate out the differences: surrender implies something deeper than submission. I believe there is the general perception that surrender suggests a total - complete giving up of control.
I believe that again everyone has different definitions of submissive and slave. I think I was a slave before I started surrendering. But I should ask Master his view on that. As with everything in this lifestyle - to define the words of lifestyle seem to come down to a personalized view of thoughts and feeling put to words.
Surrender to me means: It is a level of acceptance and letting go of power and control. It is becoming empty to have more to give my Master. By emptying out the clutter filled in the top of my head, I am letting go. The awareness that the need for surrender is more deeply rooted in my core than the concept of individuality and identity. But surrender is not losing anything - with surrender I am gaining. I feel how much more happy and at peace. I used to think it was accepting - that when a person came to acceptance that then they surrendered. But it is really not about acceptance of what is happening. It is more a mental state of letting go of all the clutter and being aware of self - so that I can give freely without constraints. There is an awareness that comes in the calm - which basically says this is your home - this is your natural self. And a knowing everything is right now. I just give without even thinking. The muscles almost react before any negative thoughts could come in. Each day I feel my surrender to my Master grow. He probably could have "taken" many things from the start, but He preferred I give Him that control first. He wants me to be very mindful of what I am doing.
The transition is something that I believe "just happens." For some, the transition is very difficult and for others, the transition is seamless and pretty easy. For me it has happened easier then I thought it would happen. I am sure that the transition is different from one person to the next - just as we have so many levels and definitions which define who we are, I am sure where we reside in the broad spectrum of the lifestyle also is very different for each person.
Therefore "knowing" when the transition has happened I think is going to be really difficult to describe and develop a consensus or acceptable poll result.
I know that one of the key elements involved in my growth towards surrender was trust. I first trusted my instincts and next I had to trust Him. I had to also trust He would not do the same as the people in my past. That meant trusting He knew what He was doing and would not hurt me.
Another element is being open. Communicate - past, insecurities, strengths, thoughts and feelings. To me surrender is not possible unless everything is out on the table. To trust us in the now and what would come in the future.
The bottom line is that each person's journey has to be their own and if they are destined to surrender, then they will. I don't think it can be done without guidance, a building of a foundation of trust, honesty and mutual respect. Then something will happen, someday that brings them to that point - if at all. This is all based on the assumption that every submissive has the desire to surrender someday. One shouldn't surrender if they are kicking and screaming. Nor should one surrender if they really do not want to.
As Master says it is a Journey…we all get there differently.
[back to top]
Time Outs/Speaking Freely
These have been subjects on a few elists lately.
I really don't understand the need for either of these...my main reason is because are you in a relationship or 5 years old? I know that might sound harsh probably is harsh but it is true. We are in a relationship. Period.
I do not need to take a break from being a slave....just like if I was in a vanilla relationship I would not take break from being a wife or girlfriend or whatever.
I have heard of people taking time outs and breaks, but it really would not be able to work in our relationship. I think it would be going against who we are to each other. We have an ebb and flow in our relationship where sometimes the M/s seems more intense. But the foundation of the power exchange is always there.
When I have something to say to Master I just say it. It has to be respectful and in a manner that would show that respect. If I can't find the words to say something then I need to wait until I find the words. There are times I get angry with life but that does not mean I can just rant and rave. I have to express my feelings in a calm respectful way. If I need to rant and rave - to calm myself - I usually write it all out say it however it comes out. And then that is a way for me to calm and then express my feelings more respectfully.
Again isn't that how we should communicate with each other if we were in a vanilla relationship...with respect. So why would it be different in a M/s relationship?
[back to top]
Trust in M/s relationships
A few lists I am on have talked about trust in M/s relationships lately...
So here are some my thoughts...
I don't think that trust is deeper or more complete in a M/s relationship vs. D/s vs. Vanilla vs. Top/bottom vs. any other dynamic. I think trust is what you make it. If you go in wanting to trust and get to know the other person then I think the trust level will grow no matter if you are in an M/s or vanilla. I have heard we have to open ourselves up more in a M/s then other relationships - again I disagree. We open up if we are willing. I know M/s couples who don't trust each other and have very shallow interactions with each other. And I know vanilla couples who have inspired me. They have had a bond that was deeper then some M/s relationships I have witnessed.
So, to me trust in a relationship is what the couple makes it. It can be deep and complete or shallow and fragmented no matter what the dynamic.
Next, line of thinking...
I don't think you need trust to be enslaved.
My example is from my own life - when I started my relationship with Don, I did not trust him. And I thought it was just going to be a one night stand - nothing more to the relationship then that. But it ended up being more and ended with me being enslaved by him. I did not trust him through the whole relationship. I look back in fondness at the beginning of our relationship, but I still did not trust him although I was compelled to serve him.
Now that being said....I am glad that I have trust in my current relationship with Master. I think trust comes with time. If you are going to be building a long-term relationship, it is a process and part of that process is seeing who the person is and getting to know them. That knowledge is better then trust.
I also feel until you are able to trust yourself you will not be able to trust another. And also....once you trust yourself...you allow yourself to open up and get to know the other person.
I can look back in past relationships and see that I wanted so much to trust that I did not even look to see what the person was like...I just jumped into trusting without ever knowing. I wanted to be owned and I kept hearing you need to trust your Master. So I trusted before I got to know the person. And did not even find out if we were compatible.
With Master I saw who he was - I saw all the little things that happen in the world - I saw how he treats others, I saw his views on the world and people around him, I saw his ethics, I got to know his dislikes and likes. I got to know how we would mesh in our beliefs.
[back to top]
Divine Submissive
I made this statement: "I think I am becoming aware that I am not a good submissive. I am a good slave but not very good submissive. At least that is how I am feeling lately."
Okay my statement was kind off the cuff as I was beating up on myself. It all started when I was reading a yahoo group where all the slaves were talking about submitting as though they have constant complete joy in their hearts and being. They talked about being so focused on pleasing their Owner and the complete “divine” – joy they got from it.
Well, as I read of their “divine” submission – I was feeling worse and worse because I don’t feel that. I talked with Master about on Tuesday quite a bit. I submit because I am owned. I submit because that is who I am. And when I read through the posts on the yahoo group -- they all seemed to submit because of the pleasure they got from pleasing their Owner.
And it is different for me. Logically I understand it is perfectly fine that some feel joy in submission and I feel something different. Logically I understand we are all different. But of course sometimes logic does not out-weigh feelings….so I get to feeling that I am a bad submissive because I don’t have that “divine” submission that others do.
It seemed like when I read about this joyous submission – their first and foremost thought is pleasing their Master. And although I want to please Master – that usually is not my first thought.
At times when I submit, I internally struggle even though externally I obey. I obey because I am owned and serve Master. And those are my first thoughts….to obey, to serve because I am owned. And Master is pleased that I obey and serve Him – so yes I am pleasing but it is not my focus.
I think I am being clear as mud.
In the past, those joyous submission type of posts bothered me because a lot of the time they are so hearts and flowers – like living in that land of joyous submission means you live on Cloud 9 all the time. And well, I believe that would be difficult to do when living within reality (which Master and I try very hard to stay grounded in reality).
While Master and I talked I said why would someone want to fall that hard – as being so high on Cloud 9 makes the highs very high but it also makes the lows very low. So the fall from that high would be hard. And He asked me to explain that more.
Basically I said to that to put pleasing their Owner that high up that it makes the fall very hard when their expectations are not met.
So there was the aha-moment for me.
I don’t put pleasing first because I am scared of the expectations I create by putting so much focus on pleasing. I trip myself up when using pleasing as a main focus because my expectations on myself as a slave become obsessive. And the expectations are driven by the obsession. So, it becomes a vicious cycle.
Background – Don – my first M/s relationship even though those words were never used. He enslaved me in a way that did not give time to think about pleasing. He taught me to please him by obeying and serving. He did not drive me into obsessing about what, how and why to please. He trained me to serve and obey – enslaving me to him through training (for a lack of a better word).
So the next formal D/s relationship I was in came after the age of the internet where all the submissives online talked about pleasing and the beautiful gift of submission.
Enter my first 24/7 D/s. I was there to please my Dominant. And I knocked myself out doing it…literally. I worked hard to please him 24/7. Because I was knocking myself out trying to please him (without really being told how to please him) – I became obsessed. Everything I did – I did over the top because what if he did not want iced tea after work – maybe he wanted orange pop – no maybe root beer. What if he wanted something different for dinner? What if …what if. I had to have every possible thing that could please him – in my mind – ready. So, I obsessed and in the end questioned if I was submissive because it was such hard work to please someone 24/7. I thought others did it….and got joy from it. But it just felt so tiring to me. It felt like I was not me. I ended up falling hard – becoming so tired and burnt out with submission as I literally would lay awake at night thinking of what was next in what I thought pleasing him should be. I thought pleasing meant I couldn’t express opinions because it was not the same as his and in my mind that meant obviously it would not please him that I had different thoughts. I did not express feelings, thoughts or ideas as anything that might be negative - and negative equaled not pleasing in my mind.
I finally broke down. I see it now – I had a nervous breakdown. At the time we did not say that out loud. But that is what happened because I became so obsessed and tired.
Okay so we never recovered really from that….we tried. (This was not the only problem in the relationship but it was one and in all of the relationship – the tone had been set to have very high - highs and very low – lows. Those were so a part of us – that we did not know how to act with each other in any other manner. And all my relationships after this had variations of the obsessing. Even when I met Master – we had them to a some extent – but I can see where with Master – there was a recognition – a knowledge that this time it was different and so I think I was able to relax and let go - start growing beyond the obsession.
Master helped me slow down – relax and let go – so that I just serve without focusing on pleasing. Because the serving although I had to learn a lot of it…there was an instinct/awareness of what to look for and how to serve. It was not something I had to think about – or obsess about. So, with Master I was able to let go of that pleasing as a focus and just serve. And in a way they are the same thing. But for me one can cause negative reactions and the other brings out calmness in me.
So back to the joyous submission….I don’t feel joyous submission in focusing on pleasing because I am not really being me. I am being a false me. The one that I thought a dominant wanted. So while I envy that feeling that a person gets from pleasing – I would not want to focus on pleasing as it not being me.
Obeying and serving are my focus.
Will I still envy that divine submission? Yes, but at the same time I don’t want it. I want something and I think I associate that divine submission with that. But I am not there yet.
What I can embrace and be happy about is serving is being me. It is there without even trying, worrying, obsessing or even at times thinking. It feels good and natural.
And Master is happy with my service.
[back to top]
Surrender - Time Outs/Speaking Freely - Trust in M/s relationships - Rules and Punishment - Domestic Violence and M/s look similar? - What if you are sick? - Divine Submission - Maintaining Our Dynamic in Public Settings
Surrender
I was reading a message board and there was a post where someone said that surrender is submission perfect and so that surrender can never be achieved because no one can be perfect.
I disagree...
Here is something I had written for another list when we were discussing submission and surrender....
I find that submission and surrender are very closely related in definition in vanilla terms -- refer to dictionary.com for the full-blown similarities. In the lifestyle, I have found that we tend to separate out the differences: surrender implies something deeper than submission. I believe there is the general perception that surrender suggests a total - complete giving up of control.
I believe that again everyone has different definitions of submissive and slave. I think I was a slave before I started surrendering. But I should ask Master his view on that. As with everything in this lifestyle - to define the words of lifestyle seem to come down to a personalized view of thoughts and feeling put to words.
Surrender to me means: It is a level of acceptance and letting go of power and control. It is becoming empty to have more to give my Master. By emptying out the clutter filled in the top of my head, I am letting go. The awareness that the need for surrender is more deeply rooted in my core than the concept of individuality and identity. But surrender is not losing anything - with surrender I am gaining. I feel how much more happy and at peace. I used to think it was accepting - that when a person came to acceptance that then they surrendered. But it is really not about acceptance of what is happening. It is more a mental state of letting go of all the clutter and being aware of self - so that I can give freely without constraints. There is an awareness that comes in the calm - which basically says this is your home - this is your natural self. And a knowing everything is right now. I just give without even thinking. The muscles almost react before any negative thoughts could come in. Each day I feel my surrender to my Master grow. He probably could have "taken" many things from the start, but He preferred I give Him that control first. He wants me to be very mindful of what I am doing.
The transition is something that I believe "just happens." For some, the transition is very difficult and for others, the transition is seamless and pretty easy. For me it has happened easier then I thought it would happen. I am sure that the transition is different from one person to the next - just as we have so many levels and definitions which define who we are, I am sure where we reside in the broad spectrum of the lifestyle also is very different for each person.
Therefore "knowing" when the transition has happened I think is going to be really difficult to describe and develop a consensus or acceptable poll result.
I know that one of the key elements involved in my growth towards surrender was trust. I first trusted my instincts and next I had to trust Him. I had to also trust He would not do the same as the people in my past. That meant trusting He knew what He was doing and would not hurt me.
Another element is being open. Communicate - past, insecurities, strengths, thoughts and feelings. To me surrender is not possible unless everything is out on the table. To trust us in the now and what would come in the future.
The bottom line is that each person's journey has to be their own and if they are destined to surrender, then they will. I don't think it can be done without guidance, a building of a foundation of trust, honesty and mutual respect. Then something will happen, someday that brings them to that point - if at all. This is all based on the assumption that every submissive has the desire to surrender someday. One shouldn't surrender if they are kicking and screaming. Nor should one surrender if they really do not want to.
As Master says it is a Journey…we all get there differently.
[back to top]
Time Outs/Speaking Freely
These have been subjects on a few elists lately.
I really don't understand the need for either of these...my main reason is because are you in a relationship or 5 years old? I know that might sound harsh probably is harsh but it is true. We are in a relationship. Period.
I do not need to take a break from being a slave....just like if I was in a vanilla relationship I would not take break from being a wife or girlfriend or whatever.
I have heard of people taking time outs and breaks, but it really would not be able to work in our relationship. I think it would be going against who we are to each other. We have an ebb and flow in our relationship where sometimes the M/s seems more intense. But the foundation of the power exchange is always there.
When I have something to say to Master I just say it. It has to be respectful and in a manner that would show that respect. If I can't find the words to say something then I need to wait until I find the words. There are times I get angry with life but that does not mean I can just rant and rave. I have to express my feelings in a calm respectful way. If I need to rant and rave - to calm myself - I usually write it all out say it however it comes out. And then that is a way for me to calm and then express my feelings more respectfully.
Again isn't that how we should communicate with each other if we were in a vanilla relationship...with respect. So why would it be different in a M/s relationship?
[back to top]
Trust in M/s relationships
A few lists I am on have talked about trust in M/s relationships lately...
So here are some my thoughts...
I don't think that trust is deeper or more complete in a M/s relationship vs. D/s vs. Vanilla vs. Top/bottom vs. any other dynamic. I think trust is what you make it. If you go in wanting to trust and get to know the other person then I think the trust level will grow no matter if you are in an M/s or vanilla. I have heard we have to open ourselves up more in a M/s then other relationships - again I disagree. We open up if we are willing. I know M/s couples who don't trust each other and have very shallow interactions with each other. And I know vanilla couples who have inspired me. They have had a bond that was deeper then some M/s relationships I have witnessed.
So, to me trust in a relationship is what the couple makes it. It can be deep and complete or shallow and fragmented no matter what the dynamic.
Next, line of thinking...
I don't think you need trust to be enslaved.
My example is from my own life - when I started my relationship with Don, I did not trust him. And I thought it was just going to be a one night stand - nothing more to the relationship then that. But it ended up being more and ended with me being enslaved by him. I did not trust him through the whole relationship. I look back in fondness at the beginning of our relationship, but I still did not trust him although I was compelled to serve him.
Now that being said....I am glad that I have trust in my current relationship with Master. I think trust comes with time. If you are going to be building a long-term relationship, it is a process and part of that process is seeing who the person is and getting to know them. That knowledge is better then trust.
I also feel until you are able to trust yourself you will not be able to trust another. And also....once you trust yourself...you allow yourself to open up and get to know the other person.
I can look back in past relationships and see that I wanted so much to trust that I did not even look to see what the person was like...I just jumped into trusting without ever knowing. I wanted to be owned and I kept hearing you need to trust your Master. So I trusted before I got to know the person. And did not even find out if we were compatible.
With Master I saw who he was - I saw all the little things that happen in the world - I saw how he treats others, I saw his views on the world and people around him, I saw his ethics, I got to know his dislikes and likes. I got to know how we would mesh in our beliefs.
[back to top]
Divine Submissive
I made this statement: "I think I am becoming aware that I am not a good submissive. I am a good slave but not very good submissive. At least that is how I am feeling lately."
Okay my statement was kind off the cuff as I was beating up on myself. It all started when I was reading a yahoo group where all the slaves were talking about submitting as though they have constant complete joy in their hearts and being. They talked about being so focused on pleasing their Owner and the complete “divine” – joy they got from it.
Well, as I read of their “divine” submission – I was feeling worse and worse because I don’t feel that. I talked with Master about on Tuesday quite a bit. I submit because I am owned. I submit because that is who I am. And when I read through the posts on the yahoo group -- they all seemed to submit because of the pleasure they got from pleasing their Owner.
And it is different for me. Logically I understand it is perfectly fine that some feel joy in submission and I feel something different. Logically I understand we are all different. But of course sometimes logic does not out-weigh feelings….so I get to feeling that I am a bad submissive because I don’t have that “divine” submission that others do.
It seemed like when I read about this joyous submission – their first and foremost thought is pleasing their Master. And although I want to please Master – that usually is not my first thought.
At times when I submit, I internally struggle even though externally I obey. I obey because I am owned and serve Master. And those are my first thoughts….to obey, to serve because I am owned. And Master is pleased that I obey and serve Him – so yes I am pleasing but it is not my focus.
I think I am being clear as mud.
In the past, those joyous submission type of posts bothered me because a lot of the time they are so hearts and flowers – like living in that land of joyous submission means you live on Cloud 9 all the time. And well, I believe that would be difficult to do when living within reality (which Master and I try very hard to stay grounded in reality).
While Master and I talked I said why would someone want to fall that hard – as being so high on Cloud 9 makes the highs very high but it also makes the lows very low. So the fall from that high would be hard. And He asked me to explain that more.
Basically I said to that to put pleasing their Owner that high up that it makes the fall very hard when their expectations are not met.
So there was the aha-moment for me.
I don’t put pleasing first because I am scared of the expectations I create by putting so much focus on pleasing. I trip myself up when using pleasing as a main focus because my expectations on myself as a slave become obsessive. And the expectations are driven by the obsession. So, it becomes a vicious cycle.
Background – Don – my first M/s relationship even though those words were never used. He enslaved me in a way that did not give time to think about pleasing. He taught me to please him by obeying and serving. He did not drive me into obsessing about what, how and why to please. He trained me to serve and obey – enslaving me to him through training (for a lack of a better word).
So the next formal D/s relationship I was in came after the age of the internet where all the submissives online talked about pleasing and the beautiful gift of submission.
Enter my first 24/7 D/s. I was there to please my Dominant. And I knocked myself out doing it…literally. I worked hard to please him 24/7. Because I was knocking myself out trying to please him (without really being told how to please him) – I became obsessed. Everything I did – I did over the top because what if he did not want iced tea after work – maybe he wanted orange pop – no maybe root beer. What if he wanted something different for dinner? What if …what if. I had to have every possible thing that could please him – in my mind – ready. So, I obsessed and in the end questioned if I was submissive because it was such hard work to please someone 24/7. I thought others did it….and got joy from it. But it just felt so tiring to me. It felt like I was not me. I ended up falling hard – becoming so tired and burnt out with submission as I literally would lay awake at night thinking of what was next in what I thought pleasing him should be. I thought pleasing meant I couldn’t express opinions because it was not the same as his and in my mind that meant obviously it would not please him that I had different thoughts. I did not express feelings, thoughts or ideas as anything that might be negative - and negative equaled not pleasing in my mind.
I finally broke down. I see it now – I had a nervous breakdown. At the time we did not say that out loud. But that is what happened because I became so obsessed and tired.
Okay so we never recovered really from that….we tried. (This was not the only problem in the relationship but it was one and in all of the relationship – the tone had been set to have very high - highs and very low – lows. Those were so a part of us – that we did not know how to act with each other in any other manner. And all my relationships after this had variations of the obsessing. Even when I met Master – we had them to a some extent – but I can see where with Master – there was a recognition – a knowledge that this time it was different and so I think I was able to relax and let go - start growing beyond the obsession.
Master helped me slow down – relax and let go – so that I just serve without focusing on pleasing. Because the serving although I had to learn a lot of it…there was an instinct/awareness of what to look for and how to serve. It was not something I had to think about – or obsess about. So, with Master I was able to let go of that pleasing as a focus and just serve. And in a way they are the same thing. But for me one can cause negative reactions and the other brings out calmness in me.
So back to the joyous submission….I don’t feel joyous submission in focusing on pleasing because I am not really being me. I am being a false me. The one that I thought a dominant wanted. So while I envy that feeling that a person gets from pleasing – I would not want to focus on pleasing as it not being me.
Obeying and serving are my focus.
Will I still envy that divine submission? Yes, but at the same time I don’t want it. I want something and I think I associate that divine submission with that. But I am not there yet.
What I can embrace and be happy about is serving is being me. It is there without even trying, worrying, obsessing or even at times thinking. It feels good and natural.
And Master is happy with my service.
[back to top]
