Random Thoughts
This page has random thoughts - subjects that I write or rant about, questions I was asked and answer, tips and things that I have never written into a full essay but want to express and share.
Surrender - Time Outs/Speaking Freely - Trust in M/s relationships - Rules and Punishment - Domestic Violence and M/s look similar? - What if you are sick? - Divine Submission - Maintaining Our Dynamic in Public Settings
Rules and Punishment
This is a response to an egroup post where someone asked what rules where the slaves required to follow and if there was a punishment for not following those rules. And what are some of the rules that slaves have in their relationship.
In the relationship I am in....I don't really have rules....
I have protocols and rituals I follow. But nothing that is listed out saying "you must..or else."
One reason Master does not like rules is because most rules can't be followed in every setting usually. He wants what we do to be flexible enough to use in all settings so even when I am around vanilla people I have protocols that no one notices but us. But they are there and have meaning to us.
Also because he does not see the need for rules -- as the things I need to do...fall under common sense, service and obedience. I know what he likes and doesn't so I can kind of common sense it out. If I am really unsure of what to do - I ask. Otherwise I am to obey and serve - which are pretty straight-forward also.
Master does not really believe in using punishment in our relationship because of how the structure is set - if I were to blatantly disobey it would mean there is something seriously wrong in our relationship and he would be looking at to see what want wrong and if it is worth it for him to repair it.
Meaning - if I were to out and out violate his trust or disobey blatantly then something is wrong with our relationship. Something so serious that it might not be repairable. So when I say it might not be worth it - I don't mean if I say something with attitude he will release me. No it does not mean that at all...if I were to give attitude that would get discipline...either a look, lecture or physical discipline.
For Master punishment means I have blatantly disobeyed and he can't see that happening so no need for punishment.
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What if you are sick?
This is not going into the question section as it is more of a mini-essay then just answering a question.
Paraphrasing some questions asked by an online friend that is not in the lifestyle but curious -- "I am wondering if you have ever been in a situation where you said 'You know what, that fucking hurts too much. And I don't want to play anymore. So untie me, I'm watching tv and we can talk later.' What happens if you've just had enough? What if you’re in a cage or whatever else, and you have terrible stomach cramps NOW?"
Communication is the key. Tone, attitude and respect have to be displayed even when in my head I might be screaming, "damn that hurt -- I don’t wanna play anymore."
If I suddenly were to have a spike of a migraine shoot up, I need to tell him...calmly respectfully and without any attitude that the migraines might be bringing with it.
The words I use are very important. I could not say - "That fucking hurts too much. And I don't want to play anymore."
If it was hurting too much because I had a migraine spike up, I would need to tell Him...such as "Master, a migraine has spiked up and ..." I would need to insert any other relevant information -- such as if my body was hurting, or I was light sensitive, touch sensitive and so on. If I was locked in a cage, tied up or in another play situation and developed a stomach-ache --- maybe not just a stomach-ache but I felt like I was going to throw up, I would again have to tell Master. Maybe say something like this, “Master, I stomach-ache and feel like I am going to throw up, may I request permission to get out or have something to throw up in?” If it hurt too much because of PMS, I would have to communicate to Him that I have PMS but if He wants to play is up to Him. PMS is uncomfortable -- but not unbearable. Even if it hurts -- the decision to end it is His.
Now saying all that, Master does not want to mess with the migraines or my health. So, most likely He would stop and get me anything I need to start feeling better. But if I am just having a day where the play does not feel good or I am not into it -- well it is my duty to Him to deal with it. Yes I still need to tell him that – if I am having a bad day or what not, but if he wants to continue (most likely would continue) then I would need to deal with it.
There have been a few times where I was into the play and all of sudden I felt sick to my stomach but I could not communicate very clearly. All I muttered out was throw up. And Master understood, got me up and to the bathroom. I have also had times where it just felt off to me but hard to communicate for me – and usually Master sees it in my body language and will stop to ask questions. Sometimes he does not care – not that is unfeeling – it is just that He might see it is uncomfortable for me but He is in a sadistic streak and wants me to suffer and take it for Him. So even when it is hard to communicate - we are to the point with each other – where He can even with a word or body language understand me. So just learning each other has been good for our relationship. At times, just in everyday life, He has seen migraines coming before I even realized they were on their way.
The key is communication and learning to say it in a way that is not with attitude or tone but is clear, concise and respectful.
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Maintaining Our Dynamic in Public Settings
One of the questions that I get asked quite a bit how do we maintain protocols and relationship dynamic in front of others.
Last week we were out of town and we were around many vanilla people but as I mentioned in other posts we were around friends who are in the lifestyle. And it occurred to me that not even our lifestyle friends probably noticed that I asked permission of several things while with them. I did it all without saying anything. It was just my eyes and hand gestures. And Master nodded to them.
We are so used to being around non-lifestyle people that our way of doing it has become almost invisible or at least subtle enough that I don't think it is usually recognized. We don't get many looks for some things that we do in public. I walk on Master's right side about a half a step behind (and that is because he is hard of hearing so likes me in a place he can hear me). He orders for me in restaurants.** And most of the time people just think he is being "gentlemanly." I don't carry a purse anymore with him - he keeps my id with him in his wallet. So if I want something I have to ask permission and most people see I am not carrying a purse so understand why I am asking. I don't eat without permission even in vanilla settings he just gives me a head nod when I can eat. I can't leave his presence without "telling" him. I put telling in quotes because at home I ask permission in public vanilla settings I say I was thinking of getting a diet coke would anyone like one? That way I am informing Master and he usually gives me a little nod as permission And he has said no in public in a way that is subtle enough no one knew. I asked for diet coke and he said, "we are going to have soda with dinner." And that was my queue that I shouldn't have one then. So there are ways we keep our normal everyday life out in public settings.
** This has variations to it -- for the most part I don't open a menu or order for myself. When we haven't been to a restaurant before Master just finds it easier if I look at the menu, pick out what I want and order it. I still need permission though even in that setting to open the menu because there has been the rare occasion he has just went ahead and ordered for me. When we were out with our lifestyle friends in Denver last week -- I got permission to look at the menu and order because it was a new restaurant - it was done with gesture and eyes.
[back to top]
Surrender - Time Outs/Speaking Freely - Trust in M/s relationships - Rules and Punishment - Domestic Violence and M/s look similar? - What if you are sick? - Divine Submission - Maintaining Our Dynamic in Public Settings
Rules and Punishment
This is a response to an egroup post where someone asked what rules where the slaves required to follow and if there was a punishment for not following those rules. And what are some of the rules that slaves have in their relationship.
In the relationship I am in....I don't really have rules....I have protocols and rituals I follow. But nothing that is listed out saying "you must..or else."
One reason Master does not like rules is because most rules can't be followed in every setting usually. He wants what we do to be flexible enough to use in all settings so even when I am around vanilla people I have protocols that no one notices but us. But they are there and have meaning to us.
Also because he does not see the need for rules -- as the things I need to do...fall under common sense, service and obedience. I know what he likes and doesn't so I can kind of common sense it out. If I am really unsure of what to do - I ask. Otherwise I am to obey and serve - which are pretty straight-forward also.
Master does not really believe in using punishment in our relationship because of how the structure is set - if I were to blatantly disobey it would mean there is something seriously wrong in our relationship and he would be looking at to see what want wrong and if it is worth it for him to repair it.
Meaning - if I were to out and out violate his trust or disobey blatantly then something is wrong with our relationship. Something so serious that it might not be repairable. So when I say it might not be worth it - I don't mean if I say something with attitude he will release me. No it does not mean that at all...if I were to give attitude that would get discipline...either a look, lecture or physical discipline.
For Master punishment means I have blatantly disobeyed and he can't see that happening so no need for punishment.
[back to top]
What if you are sick?
This is not going into the question section as it is more of a mini-essay then just answering a question.
Paraphrasing some questions asked by an online friend that is not in the lifestyle but curious -- "I am wondering if you have ever been in a situation where you said 'You know what, that fucking hurts too much. And I don't want to play anymore. So untie me, I'm watching tv and we can talk later.' What happens if you've just had enough? What if you’re in a cage or whatever else, and you have terrible stomach cramps NOW?"
Communication is the key. Tone, attitude and respect have to be displayed even when in my head I might be screaming, "damn that hurt -- I don’t wanna play anymore."
If I suddenly were to have a spike of a migraine shoot up, I need to tell him...calmly respectfully and without any attitude that the migraines might be bringing with it.
The words I use are very important. I could not say - "That fucking hurts too much. And I don't want to play anymore."
If it was hurting too much because I had a migraine spike up, I would need to tell Him...such as "Master, a migraine has spiked up and ..." I would need to insert any other relevant information -- such as if my body was hurting, or I was light sensitive, touch sensitive and so on. If I was locked in a cage, tied up or in another play situation and developed a stomach-ache --- maybe not just a stomach-ache but I felt like I was going to throw up, I would again have to tell Master. Maybe say something like this, “Master, I stomach-ache and feel like I am going to throw up, may I request permission to get out or have something to throw up in?” If it hurt too much because of PMS, I would have to communicate to Him that I have PMS but if He wants to play is up to Him. PMS is uncomfortable -- but not unbearable. Even if it hurts -- the decision to end it is His.
Now saying all that, Master does not want to mess with the migraines or my health. So, most likely He would stop and get me anything I need to start feeling better. But if I am just having a day where the play does not feel good or I am not into it -- well it is my duty to Him to deal with it. Yes I still need to tell him that – if I am having a bad day or what not, but if he wants to continue (most likely would continue) then I would need to deal with it.
There have been a few times where I was into the play and all of sudden I felt sick to my stomach but I could not communicate very clearly. All I muttered out was throw up. And Master understood, got me up and to the bathroom. I have also had times where it just felt off to me but hard to communicate for me – and usually Master sees it in my body language and will stop to ask questions. Sometimes he does not care – not that is unfeeling – it is just that He might see it is uncomfortable for me but He is in a sadistic streak and wants me to suffer and take it for Him. So even when it is hard to communicate - we are to the point with each other – where He can even with a word or body language understand me. So just learning each other has been good for our relationship. At times, just in everyday life, He has seen migraines coming before I even realized they were on their way.
The key is communication and learning to say it in a way that is not with attitude or tone but is clear, concise and respectful.
[back to top]
Maintaining Our Dynamic in Public Settings
One of the questions that I get asked quite a bit how do we maintain protocols and relationship dynamic in front of others.
Last week we were out of town and we were around many vanilla people but as I mentioned in other posts we were around friends who are in the lifestyle. And it occurred to me that not even our lifestyle friends probably noticed that I asked permission of several things while with them. I did it all without saying anything. It was just my eyes and hand gestures. And Master nodded to them.
We are so used to being around non-lifestyle people that our way of doing it has become almost invisible or at least subtle enough that I don't think it is usually recognized. We don't get many looks for some things that we do in public. I walk on Master's right side about a half a step behind (and that is because he is hard of hearing so likes me in a place he can hear me). He orders for me in restaurants.** And most of the time people just think he is being "gentlemanly." I don't carry a purse anymore with him - he keeps my id with him in his wallet. So if I want something I have to ask permission and most people see I am not carrying a purse so understand why I am asking. I don't eat without permission even in vanilla settings he just gives me a head nod when I can eat. I can't leave his presence without "telling" him. I put telling in quotes because at home I ask permission in public vanilla settings I say I was thinking of getting a diet coke would anyone like one? That way I am informing Master and he usually gives me a little nod as permission And he has said no in public in a way that is subtle enough no one knew. I asked for diet coke and he said, "we are going to have soda with dinner." And that was my queue that I shouldn't have one then. So there are ways we keep our normal everyday life out in public settings.
** This has variations to it -- for the most part I don't open a menu or order for myself. When we haven't been to a restaurant before Master just finds it easier if I look at the menu, pick out what I want and order it. I still need permission though even in that setting to open the menu because there has been the rare occasion he has just went ahead and ordered for me. When we were out with our lifestyle friends in Denver last week -- I got permission to look at the menu and order because it was a new restaurant - it was done with gesture and eyes.
[back to top]
